I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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