I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
