Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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