On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
