He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
