i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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