He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
