Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize