mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
