I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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