he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
