My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
