pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
