Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
