The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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