don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
