Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
