i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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