so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
