Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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