sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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