I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize