dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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