Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
