Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
