the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
