FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
