i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
