Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
