I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's shark week go big or go home
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
