Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she pinky promised me she was 18
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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