So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
