I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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