my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
