Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
