Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
