I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
