i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
