Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
And then he peed in my hair
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