I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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