rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
