somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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