I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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