if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
