4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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