meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
