I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
