Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
