dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
