i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
