someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
