I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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