I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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