My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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