I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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