I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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