Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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