You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
