I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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