Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
