My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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